Dear Christian Woman,
If you've read through the other pages of our website, you've learned that Natural Family Planning is not
just another form of birth control, or even birth control; it is a completely different lifestyle. And you've heard us, or others, refer to this lifestyle as "cultivating an openness to life." Because the number, spacing and timing of adding new life to one's family goes against the norm of what both contemporary secular culture and pop Christian culture are setting, let me offer some words of wisdom and bits of advice to point you in the right direction:
The Self-Giving Wife
The pre-requisite to openness to life in a marriage is a self-giving spouse. If you say it's your husband who does not want another child, take a minute to check off how you are as a mother and wife. Are you complaining about the kids, the house, bemoaning the fact that he is late, etc… the minute he walks through the door? Many husbands put up with more than they should when a wife nags, sulks or complains, and he may feel that adding another child will only worsen her attitude and behavior.
Or, maybe you're mentally hanging onto that ever-so-important career you once had, the degree you think you should be going after, or continually entertaining a difference you once made in the world. Take a closer look: as an employee you are replaceable, another degree will only put you more in debt, the certificate will gather dust, and maybe you did impact a person or two in the past, but they have moved on and now so should you. You are the only one, the only woman, who can most fully mother your child, and your days of fertility are limited. There really is freedom in realizing that where you can make the greatest impact on other people, including your own children, is right where you are as a mother, and God has already fully equipped you for this position.
Busy, Busy, Busy… at Church
"But I don't know how you do it with five kids! I have women's Bible study Tuesday mornings, couple's Bible study Wednesday nights, teach Sunday School, and volunteer at the local Red Cross every other Saturday. I barely have time to fit in a date night with my husband twice a month."
The answer is, "I don't." (*gasp!*) As a single person, I did it all too, just like you - attended, taught, volunteered, coordinated and participated. And that was in addition to all the extra weekend hours I put in as a public school teacher. And then as a newlywed, my lifestyle continued, except that now there were two of us involved. When our first son was born, we realized we couldn't live this type of lifestyle,
and give our baby the attention he needed and deserved. Although some (again, I said "some") church ministries are important and need to be staffed, these can oftentimes be fulfilled by the singles or older members of the church. We have noticed that many of the programs that churches put on are like the parsley on a restaurant dinner plate - nice, makes the rest of the plate look pretty, but not really a critical part of the meal.
Ask yourself these questions to see if you're too "busy" at church:
1.) Is your family time sacrificed?
2.) Do you snap at your kids when they need you because you only have time to prepare for that next women's devotional meeting?
3.) Is your husband hinting that he would like to see you at home more?
4.) Are you volunteering only because no one else will?
5.) Do you base your worth as a Christian on how colorful and full your calendar looks?
Then it's time to "come home."
Here's What We Did
We found the following was a waste of time, didn't really seem to yield fruit at the end of the season for others, or us, and could have been better spent with our family; here's what we cut out:
Missions Committee Coordinator: committee projects were on endless hold, ideas were never considered and missions took a back seat to always other, more important programs. Eventually my "position," and the committee, dwindled down to updating the bulletin boards - a high school student could have done as good, or better a job than me.
Sunday School Teacher: my husband spent hours preparing lessons for members who had a hit and miss attendance and had no real desire to tackle anything deeper than "how to love your neighbor by watching the Super Bowl together."
VBS Volunteer: nothing morally wrong with VBS, but I do miss the old "Backyard Bible Schools" I attended as a kid, which was hundreds of dollars cheaper, more chance for actual outreach and an opportunity to meet your neighbors. Now it seems like VBS has degenerated into a week of free day care for church kids who are shuffled from VBS to VBS as the programs compete for the best attendance.
Evangelism Training Courses to Storm the City: mass distribution of Christian videos to strangers who we'll never meet again in a town already saturated with evangelism programs and churches on every other street corner.
Children's Church Volunteer: kids who never see the inside of a church sanctuary running around uncontrollably as the latest reluctant volunteer tries to get through a 5 minute Bible story and 55 minutes of Duck, Duck, Goose.
So what are we doing now? We have created a schedule that allows time for the deeper questions that come from our children. Because our day is not overly packed with evening meetings or errands, we are able to reflect and give the full, complex answers they deserve. We know our children the best, the most intimately, and we are the ones who can give the answer most properly suited to each personality and level of understanding. As parents, we are their "quiet time" - their quiet time to help them ponder the meaning of good and evil, and the message God has for us today, and to help them contemplate the full magnitude of God's personhood. These moments cannot be substituted by high-powered Wednesday night youth activities. And should those activities be too many, you need to cut them out of your schedule until the pace is slow enough that you finally hear that still, small voice of your child, and that of the Holy Spirit. My husband appreciates that both of us are available (physically and mentally) to answer our children's questions, that we have enough planned free time every evening for those special moments. My husband also appreciates that we are able to have our children with us in the main church service the whole time so that they too can learn to worship God in a proper manner and context. Create time for spontaneous insights into the meaning of our universe. Show them by example how to publicly worship our living God. That's what really changes your child's life. And, when it is necessary for you to minister to someone truly in need, you are able to do so.
Busy, Busy, Busy… at Home
Some moms are so overwhelmed by their two small children that it's difficult to see past the dirty diapers, toys and messy faces.
I have three practical recommendations: first, unclutter your house, second, make sure your form of discipline is solid, and third, write out a sensible schedule.
Uncluttering: Remember that porcelain figurine you received as a going away gift from your last job? If you need permission to get rid of it, you have my permission. Are you still transporting unopened wedding gifts every time you move? Donate them. I could write a book on what should be chucked, but someone already did - and we have gained much from it! It's an excellent secular book called
Clutter's Last Stand by Don Aslett. Right now, if I knew company was unexpectedly coming in 30 minutes, I'd be ready to greet them at the door. We are still learning new ways to simplify our lives and make our home a more peaceful and organized environment. And the process has been fun!
Discipline: most current secular advice does not do a good job of giving guidance to frazzled moms on how to discipline their children. We've heard so often that spanking equals abuse and now parents are afraid to discipline their children. Don't be afraid to spank when it deems necessary. And don't wait until the child is grown up and out of control before issuing a consequence - sometimes it's the attitude that needs adjusting before it even turns into bad behavior. And whatever you do, be consistent! For some practical tips on how to get started, see
www.atriptothewoodshed.com.
Scheduling: Finally, something that has helped us tremendously in the day-to-day routine of raising kids is to have our family on a schedule. I noticed we now have more time during the day, get more done, I have time to take daily naps, and I don't have to "think" about what my kids should do from hour to hour. Books on scheduling are plentiful but what I found most helpful is one written by Steven and Teri Maxwell called
Managers of their Home. In it, the Maxwells give practical advice and take the reader step by step through implementing a schedule that works for them. What gives the book most credibility is the fact that the authors are raising a large family of their own, and have included stories and examples from other moms of large families. Even if you don't consider yourself a person with natural organization skills, this book is for you.
Open to Life? Or Overtaken by the Contraceptive Mentality?
Many people are afraid that they would have to sacrifice something in their current lifestyle in order to have more children. To be honest, there often is a change in one's lifestyle - for the better. Actually, I would call it a change in one's
priorities. Suddenly the extra "stuff" that was once so necessary becomes a nuisance - including the nights out, the cell phone, the extra car payments for the newest car, the weekends filled with building on or remodeling the house, and so on. These things are absolutely not wrong by themselves, but they do take on more meaning when done
with, or
for, your family, not
in replacement of the family. Unfortunately it's often those same fellow Christians who use the "we need to be stewards of our money" excuse to limit their family size. They have it backwards - it's the children that are gifts and the debts that are burdens.
How We Do It
We make it a point to actively pursue wisdom from God, and He has yet to let us down. I know as teens we were taught to "visualize where you should be in five years", but that's difficult to do if you are growing in wisdom, as you should be. So don't try to figure out the whole future with the wisdom that you have today or you could overwhelm yourself. Trust God that He will give you the tools you need at the time you need them to deal with life's challenges. For us, happiness snuck up on us when we weren't trying to find it; it just happened as a result of continually trying to do the right thing. In the eyes of the world, as well as many Christians, we probably looked foolish - becoming pregnant when neither of us had a good job, not having a "budget" in place to fit in another pregnancy, etc. But with the birth of each child, my husband has received either a raise or a new job. Over the past few months God has given us ideas and ways to slash our spending of what we thought was "necessary." And we still live comfortably to meet our needs. "… the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight" (I Cor. 3:19).
Support for Taking the Road Less Traveled
In the perfect world, your friends, family members and even your OB physician would be cheering you on in this particular pursuit of godliness, of being open to life, but that will more than likely not happen. Instead, family members are voicing their opinions about you either having a baby too soon after you're married, spacing your children too closely together, or deciding to have more than the national average of 1.9 children (or is it 1.8?). Or, if you're further along than that and have more than 2 children, the comments like: "you have your hands full", "you must be rich to have all those kids", or "do you ever get time to yourself?" are starting to get old and tiresome to hear. Here are some things I recommend:
Don't talk to your extended family members about your family size, birth control, or anything related to your immediate family that will stress you out. Limit the amount of time you spend with friends who live the contraceptive lifestyle. That may sound like a harsh statement, but that mentality
does come out in the way one lives. We used to attend a church where 75% of the people, including the pastor, were sterilized. (By the way, we did not learn this by asking, but because people so freely talked about it!) The negative comments, and the way they treated their children and each other, made us not want to be around them. It was difficult to pinpoint the reason at the time, but now that I know so many other "open to life" couples, the differences are staggering - and refreshing.
Find couples and families whose lives, and family sizes, are correctly prioritized. When you have a child-rearing question or just want a listening ear, these are the people to whom you should be confiding. (There are some people in my life who, the minute I make a remark about a teething baby or sick child, are quick to remark, "see - that's what you get for having children." I was amazed to find that by limiting the topics of conversations related to children, the amount of unnecessary tension I had been feeling was greatly reduced.)
What I Did
I attended MOPS for a couple of years and really enjoyed it at first. I recommended it to every stay-at-home mom I knew. It was nice to come to a place where my children were cared for while I had uninterrupted time to talk with other women, listen to a speaker, do crafts, and, of course, eat. I have no doubt that this is the way MOPS was started and should be run. But after the birth of my second son, some things started bothering me. Some of the comments that I didn't even think about before were starting to get to me. "I can't WAIT until Jordan starts preschool - he's driving me crazy!"… "I deserve my own free time - with all that I do for my family"… "My husband is getting a vasectomy for Christmas" … "Hi, my name is Elaine. I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old, and we're done having kids"
(these were all actual conversations although the names have been changed to protect the guilty). A few years later I mentioned that I was carrying twins and it was like I'd been hit with the plague. ("Glad it's you, not me!"… "You're finished now, right?"… "You want more? You won't be saying that after your twins are born!")
It would have been one thing if this attitude only came from the non-Christian newcomers who wouldn't know better, but when it was the churchgoers, the leaders and the speakers saying this, I decided my time was better spent elsewhere.
Fear Not - And Accept God's Gifts!
It is encouraging to know that we don't
have to do what most everyone else is doing, that God really
does meet our needs, and that children
increase our quality of life not decrease it. I hope to one day be able to look back at my life and be grateful that I freely accepted, and managed to the fullest, the gifts that God wanted to give me. And I hope you do the same with the "talents" that God is giving you.
Renee