Sam and Bethany Torode are freelance writers and graphic designers who live in rural Wisconsin and are authors of Open Embrace: A Protestant Couple Rethinks Contraception (Eerdmans, 2002). They presently have two young children. Their website is www.torodedesign.com. Since the writing of their book which is geared towards a Protestant Evangelican audience, they have formally decided to join the Eastern Orthodox church, but they still hold to their views explained in their book.

Interview with Sam and Bethany Torode on March 26th, 2002

Did you grow up in a Christian family?

Bethany: I grew up in a strong Christian family as the eldest of four kids. We lived in a Christian community with four other families for most of my growing-up years. One of the families has 15 kids, including 6 adopted, and is anti-contraception--I often argued with my best friend, who is their oldest kid, in defense of birth control. Now I've done a 180.

Sam: My grandfather on my mother's side is a Southern Baptist preacher from Texas. My parents settled in Michigan, and we attended an independent Bible church that was basically Baptist. In my last year or two of college, I lost faith in much of evangelical Protestantism and started searching for a deeper tradition. After graduation, I started reading about Church history and the early Church Fathers. I read a lot of Catholic authors and was also very taken by a Russian Orthodox work called The Way of the Pilgrim, which I was inspired to read because it figures into some of J. D. Salinger's stories. For three years after college, I attended Orthodox churches--ones that were mostly made up of former Protestants. But there were always things that kept me from "converting." When I met Bethany, she was more Evangelical, and we had many arguments--well, discussions--about Orthodoxy and Evangelicalism. As a result, I started leaning more Protestant, and Bethany started leaning more Orthodox. So we met in the middle and now we're both somewhat disgruntled Protestants. It would have been awkward to subtitle our book "A Disgruntled Protestant Couple Rethinks Contraception," though.

Which local church do you currently attend?

Bethany: We're attending the local Lutheran church. If you've heard Garrison Keillor's "Prairie Home Companion" radio show on NPR Saturdays, you'll understand when I say it's straight out of Lake Wobegon.

Are you currently practicing NFP in your marriage?

Bethany: Yep, and are eternally grateful to have found out about it! I started charting before we were married. We wanted to have a baby right away, so after my temps stayed elevated for over 20 days after our honeymoon, we knew Gideon was in existence, and I stopped charting. We actually used the suggested NFP rule, called the Prem rule, for determining his due date, and it was 10 days later than the one a doctor calculated using the method of the medical establishment, the Naegle rule. Guess which one he was born within two days of?
Now, we're using NFP to postpone pregnancy, but not for too long.

How did you learn about NFP?

Bethany: I volunteered at our local crisis pregnancy center when I was 16. I was surprised to learn that they didn't even recommend condoms to their married clients as a form of regulating births--only NFP. I got a big stack of materials on it during training, but I stuck them under my bed and figured I would deal with all that when the time came.

Sam: I first read about it in a book that influenced us a lot, Crossing the Threshold of Love by Mary Shivanandan. Then I saw an ad for the Couple to Couple League (CCL) in a Catholic magazine, so I looked up their website. This all took place just after we were engaged. We ended up ordering the CCL home study course, and read through it together. This sparked a lot of very important conversations, and helped us acquire a positive, biblical outlook on sex and children. For engaged couples, I don't know of a better way to prepare for marriage than learning about NFP.

What would your simple definition of NFP be?

Sam: I'd say there are two parts to it. First, an NFP lifestyle acknowledges that marriage, sex, and children are a complete package that should not be broken up. NFP couples should be generous, pro-life, pro-child parents. Second, NFP recognizes that there are reasons for spacing children apart as a couple builds their household over time, and NFP gives couples the self-knowledge they need to regulate their fertility internally, through self-discipline, rather than imposing technologies from the outside to "control" our bodies. But I'm afraid I'm not being very simple!

Bethany: I would sum it up as: Well-informed knowledge of God's design of the body that enables you not only to successfully achieve or avoid pregnancy, but also to keep the romance and communication in your marriage.

From a man's perspective, how do you think an NFP lifestyle has impacted your marriage?

Sam: For men, learning to follow and accept the female fertility cycle is an essential part of loving our wives. This is something my dad taught me when I was in high school--he explained how the cycle can effect a woman's moods, and why a husband should make an extra effort to help out when his wife needs to relax. But when you don't know exactly where your wife is at in her cycle, this is mostly guesswork. Bethany and I learned the basics of NFP while we were engaged, and Bethany started tracking her cycle on her own. That was a great help. For example, there were times when she'd be upset over something minor, but then we'd realize that her hormones were blowing it out of proportion and have a good laugh. It definitely prevented a few arguments.

I've read a good deal about the side-effects of contraception--especially hormonal varieties such as the Pill. As a husband, I can't imagine inflicting that upon my wife. (And this is not even to mention the greatest problem with the Pill--that it can act an abortifacient.) The great struggle of being a Christian husband is working to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. We all fail at that, but contraception seems to me to be very destructive of love. Sex should be the very picture of self-giving love. At this time of greatest intimacy, contraception puts a barrier in-between husband and wife--a literal barrier, in the case of condoms and diaphragms.

Husbands need to be leaders in this area. In our society, contraception is viewed as such a great necessity because too few men take responsibility for their sexuality. Men want sex, but they put all the "consequences"--such as raising children--onto women. If more men were loving leaders of their homes, self-sacrificing, and eager to practice NFP to space their children, there would be no public outcry for contraception. There would also be no feminist movement.

From a woman's perspective, how do you think an NFP lifestyle has impacted your marriage?

Bethany: It's made us really comfortable with each other. When you know and discuss the intimate workings of your bodies, you really can talk about anything with each other without being embarrassed. I also appreciate how I am constantly reminded through NFP that my body, and my husband's body, are beautiful creations, and not gross or weird. So many people, even Christians, are searching for sexual freedom and acceptance, so they turn to silly technique guides and other secular solutions to the problem--contraception, movies, and so on--but those just end up adding to the problems and frustrations. NFP, when both spouses are actively participating, brings God into the bedroom, sanctifies your lovemaking, and keeps the mystery in sex.

What do you think are the biggest fears people have that cause them to go on some form of contraception?

Bethany: Well, for Christians, it's fear of too many children. Our greater society is so anti-family, which has unfortunately affected Christian society, too, to the point where you really feel the stigma of a big family. Many couples stop at two or three kids because they don't want to deal with the looks, and the comments from family members and friends, etc. That's unfortunate, because most of the Christians I've talked to who are through the childbearing years regret not having had more kids--even the ones with already "large" families like 4 or 6 kids.

I think one of the main reasons why many Christians go on contraception isn't necessarily fear--it's just that they don't realize they have any other options. Most Christians, Catholics included, don't even know that there's a scientific and natural way of spacing kids available. That's partly why we wrote our book, to get the information out there.

Sam: I think a lot of men are afraid of the responsibility that comes with being a father. It is frightening! I don't think any of us ever feels "ready" to be a parent. You just have to walk over to the deep end of the pool, close your eyes, and jump in.

A lot of women fear pregnancy because they aren't getting enough support from their husbands. And this is made very difficult, because our society is set up so that husbands are gone at work for most of the day. Men should make every effort to be home as much as possible.

Another big one is the fear of birth itself. For women, a bad labor experience is a real deterrent to wanting more children. Of course, birthing is never going to be fun. And in some cases, there are complications to pregnancy and it cannot be helped. But overall, I think if couples did more research into the different non-medical, drug-free alternatives for easing labor and birth, this fear would be greatly reduced. The books by Drs. William and Martha Sears are a good place to start.

What would you say to those couples who are regretting their Birth Control decisions and are looking for a new direction? What encouragement would you give them?

Bethany: Know that the past is behind you and that you've got a great road ahead of you! There's a lot of helpful material out there, but it can be really confusing to wade through at first. We learned the Sympto-Thermal Method through the Couple to Couple League, which is based on temperature-tracking, watching cervical fluid signs, and checking cervical positions. We really like the CCL because of the support network they have, and the excellent newsletter they send out bimonthly, and because of their solid foundation of what Christian marriage is about. Unfortunately, though, some of the people I've talked to found the CCL instructions to be hard to follow. That didn't stop them from following the CCL method, but it does make me wish simplified version of the CCL material was available. Anyway, my main encouragement would be to take heart and know that you are not the only one who finds the tremendous amount of information confusing. It really does become easier as you go. I think it's also easier if you take a class.

The bottom line in charting, at least for Sam and me, is that we're not shooting for 100% effectiveness. If we cut corners on our abstaining period and happen to conceive a baby, that's super! Err on the side of life, don't over-do the abstinence unless you have extremely serious reasons to avoid pregnancy, and always be happy to welcome a new baby.

What are the top three reasons you would give to Pastors and Christian Marriage counselors to advise young couples not to go down the contraception path?

Sam: All Christian counselors should advise couples against the Pill because it's designed to work, as a last resort, by thinning the uterine lining so that an embryo cannot implant. There's simply no excuse for embracing the Pill, except total ignorance. Whenever I'm at the local Barnes & Noble and see "Christian" books like Intended for Pleasure and The Act of Marriage, which recommend the Pill for young couples, I want to hide them at the back of the shelf. Pastors should also be aware of the historical and philosophical connections between contraception and abortion, which are discussed in our book.

On the positive side, counselors should recommend NFP because it respects God's design for sex, marriage, and the body, and because it encourages communication and strengthens marriages.

Bethany: One, contraception can be harmful both to a newly-conceived baby and to a woman's body. Two, it does not foster communication or self-knowledge or love of either spouse's body, something NFP does. Three, it treats children as a sickness or a disease and often fosters a selfish, anti-child attitude.

How and where can I get started on an NFP class that you can recommend?

Sam: A good place to start is the Couple to Couple League website. CCL has a large network of teachers, and chances are there's a class in your area. CCL also offers a home study course. But we would recommend that you read widely. Two other NFP manuals we've benefited from are Taking Control of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler and Love and Fertility by Mercedes Wilson. Weshler's book is clear, lively, and informative without overwhelming the reader with details. It comes from a decidedly secular perspective, and it doesn't discourage barrier methods of contraception--but it's still helpful. Mercedes Wilson's book is available from the Family of the America's Foundation. It's very visually oriented--almost like reading a comic book--and it's simple enough for just about anyone to understand. Wilson differs from CCL and Weschler in that she teaches the Billings Method, or "mucus only" method, of NFP, which is somewhat less comprehensive. It's worth doing a lot of research, sifting through the various books, and determining what's best for you. Every book or class will provide a mix of valuable information and things you'll want to ignore.

What positive trends are you seeing in the Church today with regards to the whole prolife & Birth Control issue?

Bethany: When we first learned about NFP we figured we were a rare exception to the general pro-contraception Protestant trend. We've been delighted to find that isn't the case--there are many young couples catching on to the goodness of this alternative, including Protestants, and they are growing in number. Hopefully our book can be an instrument for converting even more couples, from all branches of Christendom.

Sam: It has been encouraging to hear from other couples with similar convictions to ours. We only wish there was something like the Nicene Family Forum in our part of the country!